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Tuesday
06Jan2009

What Will Be the Worst Movies of 2009?

DateTuesday, January 6, 2009 at 4:10PM
Now that it's a new year and we can forget all the bad 2008 movies - that is, if they haven't burned themselves into our psyches - we need to look ahead at even more awful movies. Early prevention is the key. It's the only way to avoid the Disaster Movie of 2009.

The first week in January is the perfect time to run this little experiment for two reasons, the most obvious of which is that we haven't seen any of the movies yet. You don't want to taint the study with anything like firsthand knowledge. But the second reason this is the right time to prognosticate the putrid is that we're faced with several candidates in just the next three weeks.

January is always one of the two worst months for movies every year, along with August. Hollywood is focused on other things, I guess. In January, the studios are throwing their considerable weight behind Oscar movies, and in August, they're all on vacation or getting ready for the fall film festivals.

This month, we have a Kate Hudson romcom, Kevin James as a mall cop, two Asian horror remakes, and My Bloody Valentine. I actually want Valentine to be good (or at least not awful), but you have to keep your wits about you with these things; it really could be appalling.

Again, that's just January.

It's not like February is truly a breath of fresh air, either. We have Pink Panther 2, another Madea movie, a college comedy called Fired Up, and Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

There's another damn college road trip sex movie potentially stinking up March (Miss February), plus the long-delayed Horsemen and The Accidental Husband, now on its fourth or fifth release date, I think. March also brings us 12 Rounds, the dream pairing of wrestler John Cena (The Marine) and director Renny Harlin, so you can't count that one out.

The real fun starts on April 8th, however. That's when Dragonball: Evolution arrives in theaters. I don't know too many rational people who thinks this looks entertaining, and then I saw this picture today at Think Hero:

No, those aren't some theme park street characters. Those are the real deal. Yeah, that's tough to get behind.

There's also a Hannah Montana movie and the fourth Fast and the Furious movie that month, which clearly can't be overlooked.

The first month of summer looks pretty good, but when you get into June, there's more trouble waiting in the form of Eddie Murphy. His Nowhereland (or Imagine That) is due out June 12th, a week after Land of the Lost, and while the Will Ferrell TV adaptation may be very funny, it has all the markings of the big summertime dud.

We'll bypass July, because like May, it's loaded with goodness, and instead move to the dreaded month of August. Bad movies reside here every year. In 2009, that means Dance Flick from the Wayans Brothers, Final Destination 4, Halloween 2, and yeah, I'm going to throw G.I. Joe into the discussion. That could be the second coming of Transformers, but then again...

As we move into the post-summer months, September gives us Whiteout, which will be almost three years old then, plus the horror flick The Crazies, Jennifer's Body (Megan Fox gets her Razzie?), and one of my darkhorse worst movie picks, the action thrilla Armored. I just don't like the collection of pieces in that one.

October has some horror movies, so take your pick there, and November raises our eyebrows with The Tooth Fairy and the Farrelly Brothers' seemingly ill-advised Three Stooges movie, although I wonder if that won't be pushed back a few months. As it should, the possible worst of 2009 concludes with an Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel, and while you'd think there'd be nowhere to go but up from the first one, I won't put anything past them.

After all of that, I still find myself coming back to a handful of suspects. This is pure speculation, but here are the AP Preseason All-American Trainwrecks of 2009:

1 - The Pink Panther 2
2 - Dragonball: Evolution
3 - Dance Flick
4 - The Accidental Husband
5 - Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

How would you rank the worst of this year? Is Dragonball your odds-on favorite? Are we looking past an obvious choice, or do you have another possible sleeper pick that will shoot up the list by the end of December?

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AuthorColin Boyd | | in , , , , , | Print ArticlePrint Article | | Comment18 Comments |

Reader Comments (18)

Dragonball for sure! I can't get past how much that guy looks like Elijah Wood...

I have to say I'm least looking forward to Land of the Lost. You just can't be expected to remove the campy joy of the original and hope for it to be any good. That's what made it so good! Remaking that just feels like an epic fail to me.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim

Kevin James acting is still a wonder how they keep putting him in movies. Then again, Adam Sandler and Martin Lawrence still have to make there summer bombs. And with all the really bad movies of old tv shows have kept me out of theaters last year, this year should be no least as bad.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaveh

Keep an eye out for "2012", directed by Roland Emmerich (of last year's stinker "10,000 B.C.") and starring the formerly interesting John Cusack, this July...looks like it could be this decade's "Godzilla" ;(...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJMK

Woot no movies to care about for 2-3 months, guess that means I can catch up on all that I missed from last year.
As for Dragonball, thats the best looking piccalo pic yet, but still very very wrong.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOrinn

They all sound terrible. Is there a good movies of 2009 post? I would feel very turned off if I was a movie reviewer right now.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlisa

Hey, you forgot another movie-based-on-a-fighting-game called Tekken

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstefan

Correction: The title is called Drekken :-)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstefan

I've seen The Accidental Husband, and it's not really that bad. There are a lot of worse movies out there.

Thursday, April 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Aussie

I agree. Certainly with dragonball... but I have to wonder why Twilight isn't on the list?

Saturday, April 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFayde

worst movie of 2009 should go to James Wong's rubbish and ultimately lame Dragon Ball: Evolution.

Sunday, April 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersquall1704

Great for seeing our behated childhood raping DBE in top list of the worst movies!!! :)

For me it will be on the first place, forever the worst movie and the biggest exploitative childhood raping blasphemy that ever happened!
After that SF: The Legend Of Chun Li
And after that SF from 1994 and after that anything else in this world...but those 3 things are the worst three things that ever happened in a history of cinematography!

_______________________________
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http://db-lam-protest.forumotion.com

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVEGETA_DTX

The history of cinematography?! let me correct myself, in the HISTORY OF ART IN GENERAL! NO IN THE HISTORY OF A HUMANITY!!!

Sorry I had to add that :P thats how I HATE this movie :(

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVEGETA_DTX

I just watched the Accidental Husbaqnd and i am truly disgusted. Admittedly i haven't seen DBE but i have never suffered more through a movie than i just did. After watching the Accidental Husband a little piece of me died inside.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterhone

my bloody valentine,worst movie i have ever seen

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterscoop

The Worst Movies of 2009 will be "Hannah Montana: The Movie" and "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" and they'll get lots of Razzies.

Monday, September 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

Whoa. Hold on there!

I can't believe nobody included Watchmen as the worst movie of 2009. Maybe and should be the worst movie ever made.

I've never hated a movie with such passion.

The acting, the long story, lack of special effects, the lame super hero's with no powers, a hero called the "Comedian" which wasn't funny in the least, the blue guy waking around the whole movie with his dong hanging out.

Worst movie ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAntonio

twlight should be the berst

Sunday, October 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpatrick zuramba

hey
Jennifer's body was not bad at all. I think that for its intention, as a mix of horror and comedy, it was good. However, I have to admit that the plot was sometimes not coherent which draws points back to the story, but the depiction of teenagers and their characters was very realistic and incredible to see. I can also say that this movie is not "Megan Fox 3" but it is "Jennifer's Body". It was hard to digest as I said before because of the horror and comedy put together but I think that in this new genre it succeded partially. No way it should be nominated for Razzies.

Thursday, October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlalo

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