What Will Be the Worst Movies of 2009?

Now that it's a new year and we can forget all the bad 2008 movies - that is, if they haven't burned themselves into our psyches - we need to look ahead at even more awful movies. Early prevention is the key. It's the only way to avoid the Disaster Movie of 2009. The first week in January is the perfect time to run this little experiment for two reasons, the most obvious of which is that we haven't seen any of the movies yet. You don't want to taint the study with anything like firsthand knowledge. But the second reason this is the right time to prognosticate the putrid is that we're faced with several candidates in just the next three weeks. January is always one of the two worst months for movies every year, along with August. Hollywood is focused on other things, I guess. In January, the studios are throwing their considerable weight behind Oscar movies, and in August, they're all on vacation or getting ready for the fall film festivals. This month, we have a Kate Hudson romcom, Kevin James as a mall cop, two Asian horror remakes, and My Bloody Valentine. I actually want Valentine to be good (or at least not awful), but you have to keep your wits about you with these things; it really could be appalling. Again, that's just January. It's not like February is truly a breath of fresh air, either. We have Pink Panther 2, another Madea movie, a college comedy called Fired Up, and Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. There's another damn college road trip sex movie potentially stinking up March (Miss February), plus the long-delayed Horsemen and The Accidental Husband, now on its fourth or fifth release date, I think. March also brings us 12 Rounds, the dream pairing of wrestler John Cena (The Marine) and director Renny Harlin, so you can't count that one out. The real fun starts on April 8th, however. That's when Dragonball: Evolution arrives in theaters. I don't know too many rational people who thinks this looks entertaining, and then I saw this picture today at Think Hero: No, those aren't some theme park street characters. Those are the real deal. Yeah, that's tough to get behind. There's also a Hannah Montana movie and the fourth Fast and the Furious movie that month, which clearly can't be overlooked. The first month of summer looks pretty good, but when you get into June, there's more trouble waiting in the form of Eddie Murphy. His Nowhereland (or Imagine That) is due out June 12th, a week after Land of the Lost, and while the Will Ferrell TV adaptation may be very funny, it has all the markings of the big summertime dud. We'll bypass July, because like May, it's loaded with goodness, and instead move to the dreaded month of August. Bad movies reside here every year. In 2009, that means Dance Flick from the Wayans Brothers, Final Destination 4, Halloween 2, and yeah, I'm going to throw G.I. Joe into the discussion. That could be the second coming of Transformers, but then again... As we move into the post-summer months, September gives us Whiteout, which will be almost three years old then, plus the horror flick The Crazies, Jennifer's Body (Megan Fox gets her Razzie?), and one of my darkhorse worst movie picks, the action thrilla Armored. I just don't like the collection of pieces in that one. October has some horror movies, so take your pick there, and November raises our eyebrows with The Tooth Fairy and the Farrelly Brothers' seemingly ill-advised Three Stooges movie, although I wonder if that won't be pushed back a few months. As it should, the possible worst of 2009 concludes with an Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel, and while you'd think there'd be nowhere to go but up from the first one, I won't put anything past them. After all of that, I still find myself coming back to a handful of suspects. This is pure speculation, but here are the AP Preseason All-American Trainwrecks of 2009: 1 - The Pink Panther 2
2 - Dragonball: Evolution
3 - Dance Flick
4 - The Accidental Husband
5 - Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li How would you rank the worst of this year? Is Dragonball your odds-on favorite? Are we looking past an obvious choice, or do you have another possible sleeper pick that will shoot up the list by the end of December?

Comments

[Kim]

Dragonball for sure! I can't get past how much that guy looks like Elijah Wood...

I have to say I'm least looking forward to Land of the Lost. You just can't be expected to remove the campy joy of the original and hope for it to be any good. That's what made it so good! Remaking that just feels like an epic fail to me.

[Kaveh]

Kevin James acting is still a wonder how they keep putting him in movies. Then again, Adam Sandler and Martin Lawrence still have to make there summer bombs. And with all the really bad movies of old tv shows have kept me out of theaters last year, this year should be no least as bad.

[JMK]

Keep an eye out for "2012", directed by Roland Emmerich (of last year's stinker "10,000 B.C.") and starring the formerly interesting John Cusack, this July...looks like it could be this decade's "Godzilla" ;(...

[Orinn]

Woot no movies to care about for 2-3 months, guess that means I can catch up on all that I missed from last year.
As for Dragonball, thats the best looking piccalo pic yet, but still very very wrong.

[lisa]

They all sound terrible. Is there a good movies of 2009 post? I would feel very turned off if I was a movie reviewer right now.

[stefan]

Hey, you forgot another movie-based-on-a-fighting-game called Tekken

[stefan]

Correction: The title is called Drekken :-)

[The Aussie]

I've seen The Accidental Husband, and it's not really that bad. There are a lot of worse movies out there.