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Breck Eisner Updates 'Flash Gordon' and 'Black Lagoon' Remakes, Irritates Me

Oh, to be Breck Eisner. You recognize the last name, surely; he's the son of former Disney boss Michael Eisner, and I'm not saying that has anything at all to do with him landing in the director's chair, but his studio debut had a budget of $130 million. Sahara didn't make money and on top of that, was embroiled in a four-year legal match with writer Clive Cussler.

Most directors would probably aim for smaller projects on the heels of losing a studio money, but Eisner is hard at work putting together huge remakes of Flash Gordon and The Creature from the Black Lagoon. He's also finishing up The Crazies, another remake, which is due out in September. Incidentally, three remakes in a row should be the limit for any director.

Eisner had updates on both Flash and Black Lagoon, telling Arrow in the Head, "I love them both, they're both big movies. I think I will push both of them forward at full pedal and hope one of them goes first."

"The thing about Flash is, you've got to throw away the 80s version of it. I want it to be intense, aggressive, gritty and real. For me it's about reinventing Flash - we're still staying true to the adventure origins of it, and the adventurous spirit in that movie, absolutely. It's this man brought to another planet and uniting the disperate groups on Mongo, but there is a gritty, intense, dynamic, active quality to the movie. Very modern. It's not camp."


I don't know what any of that means. I certainly haven't seen enough of Eisner's work to have an idea of what the film might look like, and all I really picked up on is it won't be as flamboyant as the one with the Queen soundtrack. Otherwise, all I see is a load of adjectives.

The real problem, for a few reasons is The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

"I want it to be scary. It's a bigger movie, so it's not an R rated scary, it's gonna be a PG-13 scary. Creature takes you to a place you've never been before, it's one of the last untamed places on the edge of the Earth where you find this creature that has been living and hiding there forever, basically. It's definitely going for a dark adventure tone, but I want it to be scary."

What is this, a pitchfest? I'm not hearing anything organic at all in these projects. Zilch. I'm not hearing why they're being remade. Add to that the fact that one of these is Creature from the Freaking Black Lagoon, and I'm genuinely concerned. If the best he can do is put one thing in a PG-13 box and say the other won't be as silly as the movie from 25 years ago, I don't think I can be bothered.

I have suddenly gained a new appreciation for Michael Bay.

Reader Comments (1)

I honestly thought that completely destroying what should have been a Bourne-like franchise would be enough to end this guy's career. Oh well.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAdam

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