Movie Review - 'G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra'

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Starring Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Sienna Miller Directed by Stephen Sommers Rated PG-13

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is like a lethal injection of Red Bull. For two hours, it throws scenes on top of each other and flips the perspective from one character to another without hesitating or taking a breath. The film is directed by Stephen Sommers, who made one good Mummy flick and about a half dozen bad movies around it. This is not his signature style, but there's no mistaking that it's an intentional way to make a movie. Does it work? I don't know. The hyperkinetic energy would feel out of place in a lot of other action movies, but it's hard to say whether or not it fails here. The one good thing about Sommers' breakneck pace is that it covers up what is not much of a story and allows for a parade of special effects like we've never seen before. It isn't that the effects themselves are special, because they're really kind of average by today's standards. But even in a summer with a Transformers movie that runs 30 minutes longer than this, I honestly don't know when I've seen more effects in a movie. It felt like every moment of every scene had some gadgetry or CGI involved. The characters are familiar enough to anyone who grew up within earshot of the G.I. Joe TV show that reintroduced the brand back in the early 1980s. You know G.I. Joe is made of good guys and Cobra is made up of bad guys. Actually, the events in this movie, as the title cleverly points out, happen before Cobra really assembles, so instead it's G.I. Joe and a European arms dealer. We've seen enough movies to know never to trust European arms dealers, either. At stake is something called nanomite technology. They're kind of like mechanical termites that eat anything in their path. Whichever side controls the nanomites controls the world, and as luck would have it, they've fallen into the wrong hands. Curiously enough, for all the time and money that went into the special effects, the best thing about G.I. Joe is an actual human being. Sienna Miller, playing the supersexy and profoundly evil Baroness, is about the only thing you can focus on in the entire film, which is either a masterpiece of chaos or simply chaotic, depending on your point of view. I wouldn't say Miller gives a great performance, because nobody is on screen more than 30 seconds at a time and each character is limited to repeating variations of about four different lines throughout the movie, but she does have a presence. And because she's the only actor that manages to give us even that much, she stands out above everything else. Movies based on toys and games are going to become even bigger business than they already are. The MTV generation that grew up with Transformers and G.I. Joe now buys lots of movie tickets. They play video games like Halo and World of Warcraft, and all of those properties and more lend themselves to movies like this that prey on short attention spans and visual wizardry. If that's the goal, then it's hard to knock G.I. Joe. But look any deeper and this is a really bad movie. Something occurred to me while the effects and the brittle characters flew past me at a great rate of speed. In the 1980s, one of the most memorable action movies was Die Hard. It was on about a month ago and I watched it. Still holds up. And I know every explosion by heart; isn't that a funny thing to notice? In G.I. Joe, the explosions are meaningless. They don't impact the story, the major characters are never injured by them, and there's always another one less than a minute away. The things that by definition would have the most impact on the people in the story actually have none. So how can they have any impact on us as we try desperately to piece together an entertaining two hours at the movies?

Comments

[jedilost]

i couldnt agree more.

[Nelson]

great review - one of your best to date

[DESTRO]

WHEN IM FINISHED THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

[BEAULONA]

You just saved me 9 bucks... Thanks Colin

Freakin' Hasbro!!!

[sam]

They got 13 leather clad babes to promote GI Joe in Japan
http://japansugoi.com/wordpress/onedari-muscat-idols-promote-gi-joe-movie-in-japan/

[paul]

Hey colin,

I read another review on azcentral.com and the reviewer mentioned something about the ending being a star wars rip off. I don't plan on seeing this movie at all, it looks completely terrible, and only mindless douchebags who like to see bright colors and "things that go boom" would think this is a good movie. Example....anyone who thought transformers 2 was good. I have read some of your reviews and agree with all the ones I've read. Thank you for confirming what I already suspected about this cinematic debauchery. If you could, go ahead and spoil the ending for me.

[Charcole]

I guess I am a douchebag. How about seeing the movie before ripping it apart dick!

[Marina]

You can get $5 coupon off the game if you buy your movie tickets on Fandango. The offer is on their Facebook fan page. I found which local stores have the game in stock now using Milo.com and it shows the best prices too. http://milo.com/search?q=rise+cobra