Movie Review - 'Piranha 3D'

Piranha 3D Starring Elisabeth Shue, Steven R. McQueen, and Jerry O'Connell Directed by Alexandre Aja Rated R

Filmmaking is really a mystery. Good intentions, heaps of talent, loads of money, and even a cynical dose of formulaics to ensure audience appeal often add up to a mountain of misery. Hard to say why in a lot of cases, but sometimes films just don't work. The remake of the camp horror film, Piranha, certainly doesn't have heaps of talent or loads of money at its disposal, but it does have the advantage of exposed breasts and bloodshed, which account for the formulaics of horror flicks. It also has a gifted genre director, Alexandre Aja, but Piranha 3D is an exercise in idling. There is very little fun contained in these 80-or-so minutes, very little of what makes this genre in particular such a guilty pleasure. Strictly speaking, however, this isn't a horror movie, because there's nothing scary and not a whole lot that's ever intended to be. The violence is not slow and methodical or even brutal but personal. Instead, it's just like watching meat in a blender. If you're squeamish, this certainly isn't the film for you, but if you don't mind blood and dismembered bodies, then what you'll see is almost completely harmless because it's too far over the top to be taken seriously. Here, for the first time, is banal flesh-eating. The set-up is the same as Jaws, which is no surprise since the original film was nothing but a cash-in attempt on that film's overpowering success. The difference is, obviously, just that there are thousands of little villains instead of one indomitable one. So there's no need to go through it all again. If you aren't sure of that connection when you show up, the cameo in the opening scene will erase all doubt. Where Aja's Piranha sets itself apart, on paper, is that it's 3 -D and that it's really hardcore. Lots of boobs bounce around, lots of f-bombs fly about, and lots of limbs are chewed off. The problem isn't with any of that stuff; that's what you're paying to see. The problem is that it's no better than that description. The nudity is mostly uninteresting (and for nudity, that's saying something), the dialogue and characters are completely flat, and the violence, as described above, has no shades to it at all; it's full- bore devouring, and each attack looks exactly the same. If there's a highlight, it's Elisabeth Shue as the sheriff of Lake Victoria, Arizona (the movie shot at popular spring break destination Lake Havasu). Though she doesn't do much for the first hour, when called into duty, Shue actually displays some good action heroine moves in the film's best scene, a rescue attempt aboard a sinking boat. Those four minutes or so are totally different in pace and intensity from the rest of Piranha, and they're a welcome change from the give-and-take of exposed skin and exposed bone. Also, famed internet model Kelly Brook, hired for her statuesque feature, doesn't stink up the joint as much as you might expect. But it's hard to tell because she's in every scene with Jerry O'Connell, who is just unwatchable as a fictionalized version of Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis. The biggest disappointment is the 3-D. Aja has made two horror films that deserve repeat viewing just for the way he tells his stories visually, The Hills Have Eyes and his original work, High Tension. Armed with 3-D (a combination of native and upconversion, apparently), it would stand to reason that Aja could deliver something unique with this film. But it's not at all. The attack scenes would appear to be the main course, pardon the pun, but the photography and CGI are incredibly murky at first and then drowned in crimson. The few attempts made to showcase 3-D's in-your- face effect are wasted on vomit and a disembodied penis. That should tell you all you need to know.

Comments

[Honz Brix]

I suppose as long as you know what you're in for it sounds like it could be fun. Good review Colin

[Tjei]

I'm planning to see this in theater, and it's going to be my first feature in 3D. From reading your review, Colin, it sounds like many people's reaction to Hollow Man or something. If I like Italian trash cinema of the 80s, would I get any fun out of this, how do you think?

[mdamien13]

I would have given it a nice, solid 3 out of 5 (maybe a 3.5 out of 5 if you did half-apes). It was exactly what I expected from the previews - a fun, well-done monster movie with lots of gratuitous nudity and some gruesome kills. It's all completely impersonal and fairly forgettable once the credits roll, though.

I was pleased with Adam Scott - glad to see him kick some ass! I felt bad for Richard Dreyfuss's cameo at the beginning - talk about useless stunt casting. His presence warranted a chuckle and that's about it.

After High Tension came out I really thought that Alexandre Aja was gonna be the next Wes Craven so it's sad to see that he's becoming more of a Tobe Hooper, where he's never really able to build off his big first movie. I hope to see him find a project that allows him to showcase his skills again, but after this and Mirrors it's clear that he's willing to just keep step for now.

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