Movie Review - 'Vampires Suck'

Vampires Suck Starring Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, and Chris Riggi Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Rated PG-13

First, the good news: Vampires Suck is not as bad as 2008's astonishingly wretched spoof, Disaster Movie, from the worst directors with major studio support, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Now the bad news: Disaster Movie is one of the absolute worst films ever made. Without question, it's the bottom of the barrel among Friedberg-Seltzer productions, and that's quite an accomplishment. Seriously, thank yourself repeatedly for having the good sense to not see Disaster Movie. This does not mean Vampires Suck is a film you should rush out to see. On the contrary, none of these flicks - and Seltzer and Friedberg began directing the Fox spoofs, originally led by the halfway decent Scary Movie, with 2006's Date Movie - are worth your time. Nor were they apparently worth the time of their creators; each has been unbelievably lazy, trying not to find what's seen as important or somehow time-honored in the genre under the microscope and spoof that, but merely re-telling popular movies looking for disposable pop culture puns. Spoofs have a proud tradition, but two stand apart from the rest, Blazing Saddles and Airplane!. While dated (perhaps Airplane! more than Blazing Saddles because of its tips of the cap to pop culture), both movies still hold up because they're sharply written, full of not only great punchlines but also funny characters. Here's the difference: The characters in the great western spoof and the great disaster movie spoof are based on types and not specific characters from other films. They're recognizable, with a twist. In Vampires Suck, the character Edward Cullen from Twilight is reconditioned as Edward Sullen. Bella Swan is Becca Crane. Jacob Black is Jacob White. Terrific work, fellas. And the stories are exactly the same, only with, what for the sake of efficiency, we'll label as jokes. Jokes about how Bella is a joyless sap who twitches a lot, for example. And it's only funny, to the very small degree that it could be, to people who see Twilight to make fun of it. That's a small demographic. Where Vampires Suck gets a tiny bit of traction is in its mostly direct narrative. Disaster Movie was all over the road, but this moves pretty straight. Granted, it's just hitting bullet points from the entire Twilight saga, but at least it's something like a story. There are still preposterous asides -- pointless references to Jersey Shore, the Jonas Brothers, and either Lady Gaga or Ke$ha, presumably whichever is most annoying -- and a good spoof doesn't need those things. In this case, those attempts aren't any funnier than the rest of this mess. To be sure, this is a mess. There's not one laugh in it, the actors are trying too hard to do impressions because there's nothing else they can do, and it's poorly shot, conceived, and constructed. But at least it's not Disaster Movie.

Comments

[Daniel]

Couldn't afford to give it only half a Damn Dirty Ape?

[Colin]

I don't do half-Apes.

[Chris]

I remember your old slogan of "Seeing the bad movies so you don't have to." Thank you Colin for seeing this garbage so I don't have to.

[erinn]

Why on earth does "Not Another Teen Movie" never get any love? True movie genius.

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[Rjabrium]

This movie really a copy I must say but the script are way too original and I think they do a twist over in Twilight.

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Don't get me wrong, I'm no movie critic but, there is no way I even considered this movie to be worth watching. If I don't see at least one recognizable actor in these spoof movies, I toss it aside as not having a big enough budget to pay for a decent writer / comedian consultant.

These spoof movies haven't been good in a long time... since the scary movie series.