Adam Sandler to Star in Upcoming 'Candy Land' Adaptation

Oh, Hollywood.  Just how do you manage to be so... Hollywood-like?  Remember how absurd it seemed when it was announced that a movie version of the classic board game Battleship with aliens and Liam Neeson would be made?  Well, you ain't seen nothing yet, because a live action adaptation of Candy Land is currently in the works, and Adam Sandler is going to star.  It'll be helmed by Enchanted director Kevin Lima, and written by Sandler and Robert Smigel for a 2013 release.

Yes, this does sound like something from a Family Guy cutaway joke, but I won't deny it is something I cannot wait to see.  It would be like if they filmed a Hamlet adaptation starring Sylvester Stallone.  Admit it: you would pay money to witness a train wreck like that.  I had been hoping that they were going to take it seriously, like an LSD inspired Lord of the Rings. With Sandler, though, it may just be trying for the "meta-humor" route that will probably only be as funny as Sandler's movies usually are. 

I'm calling it now: Sandler will play a slacker/negligent father in the real world who buys a version of the game as a last-minute birthday gift from some mysterious old guy, played by a washed up actor, who constantly makes lewd "dirty old man" jokes.  In the first trailer we will see a sequence in Sandler drops out of the sky into Candy Land and proceeds to scream at the first strange creature he sees, who will promptly scream back.  This will be funny, because people screaming is funny.  While in the game, most of the board game's characters will be played straight by Sandler's usual gang of unfunny comedians that only get appearances in his movies, and the trials Sandler goes through will somehow teach him the value of family.  If i'm right, I'm totally creating a religion dedicated to worshipping me.

It does show just how cynically adaptation-crazy the industry has become.  Doug Belgrad, President of Columbia Pictures, had this to say about the announcement: "Candy Land is more than just a game.  It is a brand that children, parents and grandparents know and love.  The world of Candy Land offers an extraordinary canvas upon which to create a fantastical, live-action family adventure film with a larger than life part for Adam.  We are thrilled to partner with Hasbro and Happy Madison on this project."

Whatever you say, Doug.  You really have to wonder how he says this with a straight face and still sleeps soundly at night.  Probably on a bed made entirely out of gold-plated money.