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Monday
Aug272012

'Ninja Turtles' Script Leaked. Yes, it sucks.

Fans everywhere rejoiced a few months ago when the Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles project was put on an indefinite hiatus, citing problems with the script.  Y'think?  I'd say its a fair bet that the studio just gave up, so we might never have to see the travesty on screen.  If certain online bloggers are to be believed, though, we can read it on the page.  That's right, a Ninja Turtles script has been floating around the internet.

The few sites that posted the script have been given "take this the f*** down" orders from Paramount, so it no longer seems to be available, but plenty of details about it have been disclosed.  Here are a few of the wonderful details that we'll be missing out on:

-The real main character of movie is Casey Jones, reimagined as an 18-year-old security guard and amateur hockey player.  April O'Neil is his high-school sweetheart with whom he has on-again, off-again relationship drama.  She has moved to New York City to pursue a career in journalism.  So, yes, Michael Bay decided once again to take the attention off of the main property and focus on a whiney teen with girl problems.

-Casey discovers the turtles in a secret military base, frees them, and agrees to take them back to New York City where Splinter and April are.  OMG it's destiny or something.

-The initial antagonist of the film is... Colonel Schrader (sic), who leads a secretive government army called The Foot.

Please excuse me for a moment. 

*bangs head against wall*

Alright, thanks for waiting.  Let's continue.

-The alien origin story that we all hated is in there, though it's comes as a third act plot twist.  Alien activity winds up being the main crux of the story, actually, as it is revealed that Schrader is, in fact, a porcupine-like alien under the command of Krang. Krang remains mostly intact from the comics and TV show, complete with a Dimension X origin.

-The turtles are actually from a distant jungle planet where their species is indigenous.  Late in the script, they actually encounter other alien turtle warriors, and discover that the four of them are in fact...groan... The Chosen Ones!!11!! destined to defeat Krang.

The blog TMNTNOTTANT, the people who first uploaded the screenplay, also posted a few direct pictures of dialogue.  Here's one particularly masterfully written exchange:

Truly, no one can weave in witty pop culture reverences like these writers can.  Just look at this:

Well said, Raphael.  Well said.

The masochists among you can check out the post here for more.  After that last bit you're probably thinking what I'm thinking: there's no way a professionally paid screenwriter wrote this script.  Well, as I said before, Paramount went to the trouble of getting it taken off the internet.  If it were fake they could have easily just come out and said it.  I said this before, but now I really mean it: Damn, we dodged a bullet.

 

All the details here were found via the blogs TMNTNOTTANT and MOVIEBOB.

 

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