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Movie Review: 'The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones'

The Mortal Instruments: Ctiy of Bones

Starring: Lily Collins, Lena Headey, Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Directed by Harald Zwart
Rated PG-13


We’ve talked a lot about the current state of spoofs here at GTBP.  We’ve all called the time of death on this once great genre a long time ago.  But just when you least expect it, a movie comes along and delivers what may be one of the greatest spoofs of all time.  Yes ladies and gentlemen,  The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is on par with the likes the Naked Gun and Airplane.  I never saw it coming, But my God, does it deliver on not only hitting all the right notes when taking aim movies involving demons, vampires in the human world, it also delivers the best laughs of the season.  I wish I could give it 10 Abiding Dudes, that’s how awesome it is. God bless you Harald Zwart and team for restoring my faith in a dead genre.  Oh wait a minute, this just in off the newswire…Mortal Instruments is not a spoof but in fact deadly serious in the story it’s telling?  What, that can’t be…it’s so…funny.  Let me read that again…yep, Mortal Instruments is not a spoof.  Oh F**k me…

I am going to keep this review brief…hopefully, when talking about the colossal train wreck that is Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.  First off, if you thought you hated the Twilight films, I think I just found the one film that is worse than that whole series combined.  It seems that the only function the movie serves is to try and capitalize on grabbing dollars from the YA crowd.  But it also does so while insulting the intelligence of the crowd it’s targeting.  At least with Twilight they attempted to create a story, no matter how silly and insulting it was.  Mortal Instruments just throws a bunch of well worn clichés at the screen hoping you won’t notice its lack of a story…and I’m say lack very generously.  The movie also has the distinct honor of bringing to you not one single redeeming character.  I at least found one character I liked in the last colossal train wreck of a film called The Host (and for that matter, Twilight).  This movie makes that film look like it was written by Quentin Tarantino.

Mortal Instruments: City of Bones centers on Clary (Lily Collins), a teenage girl living in New York with her mom Jocelyn (Lena Headey) and palling around with her BFF Simon (Robert Sheenan) who happens to be in love with her.  Clary, one night at a nightclub with Simon, she sees someone get stabbed.  But she is the only one who sees it. After Clary’s mom disappears she discovers that she is part of a line of shadow hunters, unseen by the mundane (normal humans) who protect the world from various evils (read demons, werewolves etc,..).  Bach…yes that Bach, is also a shadow hunter (no joke).  So Lily, with Simon in tow, join a small group of shadow hunters lead by Jace (Jamie Campbell Boxer) the Edward of this story who also takes a liking to Lilly and she likewise (which will then lead to one of the most hilarious scenes later in the movie).  Together they must fight demons, werewolves, vampire’s ad the like and another shadow hunter Valentine (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) who wants to get his hands on the Mortal Cup, which can help bring about an army of evil shadow hunters. 

Well, any movie that tells how Bach was a shadow hunter, I mean really, how can you take something like that seriously?  But Mortal Instruments takes itself way too seriously and creates so many moments of unintended laughter I wish someone would’ve been wise enough to tell the filmmakers to actually make a spoof, because the results would be a complete 180.  If I wasn’t so fascinated by how blatantly bad the movie was, I might have actually walked out.  But if you’re like me and love watching a film with awkward long pauses, soap opera worthy dialogue, incoherent storytelling and what might possibly be the best worst performance by Rhys Meyers(who also delivers one of the funniest lines in the movie), then Mortal Instruments is for you.  I say that kiddingly, of course. 

I don’t know what else to say, except if you have teenagers, do them a favor and tell them to stay away from this movie.  Even if they’re fans of the book series, you’ll be doing them a solid keeping them away from this pile of shit.  In fact, just let them watch Twlight again.  I can’t believe I just said that. 

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