Say It Ain't So.... A 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' Remake?

So I'm sitting here, just browsing the 'net when I come across this tidbit of movie news. And usually I can sit back and think logically about something I read and put it into words. So I apologize if this somehow comes off as nonsensical gibberish.

Brace yourselves. Fox 2000 is tapping Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, to potentially do a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I'll give you a minute to take that in.

Yes, in this era of remakes, someone seems to think it's a good idea...

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The Horror! MTV Plans 'Rocky Horror' Remake

I'm repeating myself to regular Big Picture readers, but if you're new, here's how we address remakes: There are basically three categories - Yes, No, and Why the Hell Not? The remakes in the Yes category are either bad movies to begin with, or elements about them are bad, or they've dropped out of the contemporary lexicon and managed to work their way back into relevance. The No category is self-evident; some movies you just don't touch, and the list of reasons why can be very short or incredibly long, but in the final analysis, there's nothing to be gained by doing it. The third category is tricky. For example, I don't see anything wrong with remaking The Day the Earth Stood Still because it's almost 60 years old and contemporary audiences can't buy the "effects" in the original. I don't even believe you can compare the two, frankly. Others feel very strongly about not remaking that film. I feel very strongly about not remaking The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Jesus Christ, why? The ultimate midnight camp movie extravaganza...and you're going to, what, make it hip and now? This news does not make me shiver me with antici...pation. Clearly, the suits who made that decision don't know anything about movie fans or, for that matter, rock n' roll. Who are those suits? Ironically enough, it's the brain trust at MTV. Even weirder, Lou Adler, the odd-looking gentleman to Jack Nicholson's left at Lakers games and an executive producer of the original film, is teaming up with MTV and Fox on the remake. It's not the worst decision Lou Adler's ever made, though; he did spawn Cisco Adler, after all. The announcement, covered by Variety, doesn't indicate whether MTV will broadcast the remake or distribute it through their film division, although Adler says, "I'd like to see it shown a year from this coming Halloween, but that's up to MTV," which sounds a lot more like a television movie than a feature film. I'm just shaking my head over this, both out of confusion and sadness. The very worst thing you can do to The Rocky Horror Movie Show is make it more palatable to a wide audience. It's specifically made to be out of the ordinary, and now Dr. Frank N. Furter will apply a new coat of make-up for all the world to see. In fact, this may be the worst idea I've heard for a remake since the rumor that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez would re-do Casablanca. You know why you don't remake Rocky Horror? For the same goddamn reason you don't remake Star Wars or Gone With the Wind: It's a phenomenon completely unto itself, an event unlike any other in its original version, and you'll dirty it up and tarnish it by performing such a disservice. Here's the thing: I don't especially love Rocky Horror. I mean, it's fun once or twice, the music's easily the best thing about it, and the acting and filmmaking is pretty low-grade on the whole. But that's what makes it the movie it is. I will make one suggestion: Vince Vaughn as Frank N. Furter. Why? Simple: He's already remade Norman Bates, so it's best to keep these remarkably boneheaded remakes from spreading throughout Hollywood. Quick, someone call Anne Heche about playing Janet.